Big Shot, Part 4: Hello, Boy
By Simeon Den
Several years ago, just before my mother passed, I lamented to her how my father and I hardly knew each other and I had never shared with my dad that I was gay.
“Go tell ‘em,” she implored. “No shame. Go tell ‘em. You might be surprised that Daddy know more than you think, you know? Plus, at this point, all he care about is that you happy.” Soon after that conversation my mother died of a stroke. My father, who was living for several years in an assisted living facility, going in and out of dementia, passed away shortly thereafter as well.
Before my father passed, I decided to take my mother’s advice. I was living in New York at the time and flew home to visit, to tell him that I was gay and to share with him that I have a wonderful life and to thank him for being my dad.
When I arrived, I spoke to his Filipino nurse who told me that he spent most of his days listening to the Filipino radio station and he might not recognize me at first but not to mind, that he will be happy to have a visitor, regardless.
My father was frail and ashen but after an initial reaction of unfamiliarity, he put on a big smile and politely said, “Hello, boy.”
The short visit was exchanged partly in broken English and partly interpreted by the nurse as my father went in-and-out of Ilocano. It seemed problematic how I might segue to matters of my sexuality but since I traveled 5,000 miles, I decided that I should absolutely have no qualms about outing myself through an interpreter or otherwise. As we continued to visit, “chatting” about superficial family events and fragmented recollections, I began to feel “not right,” that, perhaps, “it” didn’t need to be said or that he already knew that I was well and happy and it was unnecessary history to bring up. Or, maybe, the time had come and gone and me being gay was now so very inconsequential. For better or for worse, I decided to leave well enough alone. The sunlight was fading and it was time to leave. I sighed, made an uncomfortable excuse for leaving, got up, gave my father a big hug and kiss goodbye. And then out of the ether I uttered, “Iniibig kita.” It means “I love you” in Filipino but it came from a memory bank plucked from the sand box. It could have been lost or mistaken in translation because it could have been the Ilocano for “I love you” phrase that was reserved only for the context for lovers. But how would I know? But it was the only Ilocano “I love you” words I could remember from childhood and I blurted it out. He didn’t respond unkindly. Maybe he didn’t hear it. Whatever the reason, I squeezed him a little tighter and then left.
As I shuffled out of the visiting room, I absolutely had to laugh at myself, and then, no humor was lost on me, when I heard him loudly ask the nurse, “So who was dat big guy?”
For so many unfortunate reasons, on so many regrettable levels, this was another one of so many missed opportunities in two disconnected lives. The time had come and gone and I was the proverbial apple that did not fall far from the tree: I had regrettably been too embarrassed, too lazy, too stubborn or just too damned proud. Or not.
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Listen to “Big Shot” on Simeon Den’s Podcast here.
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Simeon Den (born Deogracio Dingo Secretario) is a 2nd generation-Filipino, born and raised in Honolulu, Hawaii; Los Angeles-based dancer/choreographer, author, director, photographer, Arts educator, and Performance Art practitioner with a 50-year professional performance career in concert dance, theater works on Broadway, National tours, and television. His current art practice is fine art photography and Butoh Dance, the avant garde Japanese Performance Art discipline. He has worked with luminaries including Jerome Robbins, Hal Prince, Shirley MacLaine, Stephen Sondheim, Lena Horne, and Yul Brynner and affiliations with the Alvin Ailey and Martha Graham dance companies,
Den attended the School of Visual Arts (NYC/Photography), University of Hawaii (Asian Art History), University of Massachusetts, and is a magna cum laude graduate of UCLA School of World Arts & Cultures (Dance & Performance Studies). He has taught internationally including CalArts, American Musical & Dramatics Academy, and the London School of Contemporary Dance.
Den is the Managing Director of the Agnes Pelton Society, a 501c3 non-profit arts and Arts education advocacy and the co-owner of the historic Agnes Pelton House in Cathedral City, California, whose mission is to support the legacy of the posthumously celebrated historic painter, Agnes Lawrence Pelton. His creative team is developing “The Agnes Pelton Song Cycle,” an evening-length, contemporary classical music, concert piece of original vocal music, dance, and Spoken-Word inspired by the “Agnes Pelton, Desert Transcendentalist” retrospective of Pelton’s abstract paintings; currently on view at the Whitney Museum of American Art and culminates at the Palm Springs Museum in Summer/2020.
Most recently, having never done drag performance before, Den entered the Cathedral City Drag Race pageant as "Sue Madre.” Although Sue competed the requisite drag queen lip-sync for talent, her secret weapon was to sing live and Sue Madre finished in Third Place. As his drag persona, Sue Madre, he moderates the podcast, "Old Gay/New Gay," archived on KGay Radio in Palm Springs.